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My Daughters

December 26th, 2009

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Where babies come from..

February 14th, 2015

We are having diner with our teenager and 4 year old daughters.  A friends daughter just came by before to pick something up  from my place, her name is Stephany. So Anarosa my 4 year old, was still talking about Stephany and she sais Stephany is my best friend. My teenage daughter, Merel, sais to Anarosa, You say that about everyone that they are your best friend. And then I reply that when Merel was little she was watching kids shows on tv and every show  was her most favorite show. Then Anarosa told us to be quiet because she was telling a story  and starts telling; When Stephany was little she was a baby and she  holds the tips of her fingers against each other to show how small.And then she said, Stephany started growing and growing and growing and then Sandra ( Stephany her mom) came and they started sharing ( I assume she means that they  started to belong together) So I ask if Sandra had found Stephany somewhere. YES! said my little one loud, IN THE WOODS! so we laughed a little, but she continues, Sandra found her there, so I asked how did Stephany got in the woods, I did not really get an answer to my question anymore and i suggested that maybe she came from the wood elfs. Yes said Anarosa loud again . And I reply, So all babies come out of the woods? Yes she said with the glance of wisdom written allover her face.If mommies want a baby they go into the woods with daddies searching for a baby. So I continue to question her, if  you want a little brother or sister you send mommy into the woods? No she said, and from that point  I kinda lost her and I guess she got a little confused too because the subject was closed I got no other replies on it anymore she keept changing subject lol. But if anyone wonders where babies come from.. According to my lil one, they come out of the woods…



Dealing with the past, present and the future…

February 11th, 2015

Its 2015, for a while already, but I had not found enough energy to blog the things that I really wanted to share. And the times that I did had the energy I spend it on something else. One has to make choices, some are harder then others but that’s life. So let me first start with wishing my readers a very happy 2015 and hope that everyone’s choices are going to rewarded in a positive way. The winter  has been showing itself on and off here, but not in a real strong way. I am still expecting some day’s of freezing and maybe even snow. We will see. December  was a tough month for me. Normally I don’t like writing about this personal negative stuff online but its part of me and who I am today so I guess its just as important as anything else I share, if not maybe even more important because it is a big deal in my life.


Half a year ago I have been pre-diagnosed with cptsd. I am not going into detail now to explain how I got to receive that diagnose,I don’t think that belongs here on the web right now.  I have been going through several tests at Sinai centre. They are specialised in this area, I had so far  5 appointments that included intelligence tests and psychological tests etc. Now finally after 5 months I have the results and advice in. To get to this point was traumatizing on itself all ready if you ask me. I think it took them way too long and that the results are not complete. The person who has been handling my case told me after every appointment that they she would call me  to let me know what they would advise me. Instead  when she called me again they wanted to do more tests. It went like that every appointment.. So I was losing faith in them very rapidly…  Then she went on vacation and  I had to call her a few times to get a hold of her again. She was then to bring in my case into the advisory meetings with her colleagues within two weeks. So after these two weeks had passed and  I still had not heard anything I started to call them again to find out what was going on. When they called me back I was told that my case handler was on long term absence due to health reasons..  SERIOUSLY and no one could have  called me to let me know that my case was NOT being handled at all and that the made agreements could not be meet because of  her health problems.. I had to go after that myself to find that out… Then when I got a call back she told me it was another 2 weeks before they could handle my case.. So then I made an appointment with her and it couldn’t be any sooner then 3 weeks later. This was last Monday, the 9th of  february. My new case handler I didn’t spoke to before and they had to make this advice now without my original case handler being there. She could not really answer much of my questions and the rapport she had she did not wanted to  have me right now because it was not her who wrote it. So much for  all my braveness to go there every time and then  having to deal with this.

They advised for me the Linehan therapy.  I have been diagnosed with some PTSD symptoms and some Borderline symptoms. I am sure that there is still a lot to be discovered and probably labeled within me but  that will have to happen while underway I guess. The Linehan therapy   has been advised because it can help me  with my emotional problems so they said.  It might, and I am  very willing to give anything that I think might make a difference,  a chance at this point because I myself can’t think of any solutions anymore. I am not suicidal, don’t get me wrong I am not someone to just give up like that. But these emotions inside me, the anxiety, the fear, the anger, the pain, the insecurity and the low selfesteem, it needs to stop because I can’t deal with it anymore. its damaging me badly. Its getting the best of my while my family, my children, my husband and myself should be getting the best of me. If I give in, my demons who or whatever they are would have won and can say  see,  I told you so..

So this is my battle, which I have been fighting for  a long time and which I probably will be fighting for a long time from now. This is me, dealing with my past, my present and my future…



December 22nd, 2014

I have heard ppl telling me for so many times to be strong and hang in there, I have read it on many occasions. I am scared there is going to come a time when I am tired of being strong and giving it my best. I have yet to let go but hoping and working and  fighting for the better times that may come some day is getting the best of me unfortunately and I wish to and I try to spend energy on things and people that are not out there to get me and my loved ones down. That would enlighten my life and others so much and most likely their own as well. I wish for everyone that the next year will bring them revelations that will put them on the right path. Free from the toxic thoughts they spread around free from poisoning speech that kills any chance to find joy. Here is me wishing everyone lots of love and strength to overcome all whats evil and whats damaging them.


Merry Christmas

December 18th, 2014

Last year has been a difficult year for me and my family, I have not been posting as much as I would have liked because I just did not feel well. So much for that topic. Now Christmas is already near and my Christmas decorations are all up again ofcourse. We have added some  decorations to it and made a few changes in the setup, I guess I have a little less decorations hanging up this year and i did not make  Christmas pieces for the table myself either cus I simply did not feel like it. We are going to have our family diner on the first Christmas day, at the pancake boat. That’s like a  two and a half hour lasting pancake buffet while you enjoy a tour in a boat through Amsterdam. In the belly of the boat is a childs play ground filled with balls and at the end of the buffet there will be nice deserts.  Last year we did it too and Anarosa really had a blast. Merel had a good time too and so did me and Antonio. Not too fancy but different enough to make it special.

The second Christmas day we will have gourmet at home and probably watch a movie or something.  Hope you all have a wonderful Christmas together with your loved ones :)


SInterklaas en Zwarte Piet

November 18th, 2014

Now most of the non dutch people who read my blog have hardly any clue who they are and what they meant for my and many other dutch grownups, childhood. To keep it simple. they are comparable with Santa Claus and his reindeers and elfs. (He actually originated from our Sinterklaas.)  Theres no one without the other. Where  you put cookies and milk out for Santa, the kids put out a carrot and some hay for Sinterklaas his  white horse. Since I am practical I decide to quote a little bit form wikipedia about  this Dutch tradition which is also celebrated in (former) Dutch colonies and Belgium.

Sinterklaas (also called Sint Nicolaas) is a traditional Winter holiday figure in Dutch-speaking Europe (Netherlands and Flanders), and is also well known in the former Dutch colonies. Every year he is celebrated in The Netherlands, one day before Saint Nicholas died (5 December) and on (6 December) in Belgium. His servant is Black Peter. Sinterklaas is the basis of the mythical holiday figure of Santa Claus in the United States. Sinterklaas has nothing to do with Christmas. Christmas will also be celebrated in the Netherlands. So Santa Claus is not the same as Sinterklaas (in the Netherlands).

Another Wikipedia site reads a little more also about Zwarte Piet:

There are various explanations of the origin of Zwarte Piet. One is that Saint Nicholas liberated an Ethiopian slave boy called Pieter from a Myra market, and the boy was so grateful he decided to stay with Saint Nicholas as a helper.

In modern adaptations for television, the Saint has developed a Piet for every function: there is a head Piet (Hoofdpiet), a navigation Piet (wegwijspiet) to navigate the steamboat from Spain to the Netherlands, a packing Piet (pakjespiet) to pack all the gifts, an acrobatic Piet to climb roofs and stuff presents down the chimney, or to climb down the chimneys themselves. Over the years many stories have been added, and Zwarte Piet has developed from a rather unintelligent helper into a valuable assistant to the absent-minded Saint.

And I found Many other sites that speak of  this tradition to explain it to the non believers :) Personally I  appreciate the humor and truthfulness this information has been presented with. The site is called Stuff Dutch people like and here’s a small quote from their page

Q:Huh? Who are these black guys? Bodyguards? Elves?
A: These friends, Zwarte Piets, are Sint‘s mischievous helpers and they can be seen through town violently whipping hard-stone like cookies (aka: pepernoten) at children and passerby’s. Duck!

Q:I don’t get it. Why are their faces painted black?
A:  Please. Save yourself the trouble and don’t go asking this question in your Dutch workplace. You won’t make any friends. You can speak your mind here.

Q:Wait. Am I allowed to say anything critical about the Sinterklaas tradition?
A: No.

So aswell in my house we celebrate this tradition every single year still.  Theres no Dutch childhood complete without Sinterklaas en Zwarte Piet. Now theres been a discussion on this  tradition for  like  quite some time, like over a year people are  arguing and beginning law suites against  our  Zwarte Piet. For people who are not Dutch or don’t live here  I can understand our tradition can come across a tad odd. But honestly during my whole childhood I never ever have had any thoughts of racism because of Zwarte Piet.  ( Or any racistic thoughts at all and I still don’t)  Neither have I ever feelt that it was used to hurt anyone at all. I think the people who claim to have the biggest issues with our zwarte piet don’t really have a issue with zwarte piet. There is NOTHING wrong with our Zwarte Piet. They have issues with racism and they are right to have issues with that, I don’t accept racism either.Racism is not acceptable simple as is.  Ruining our Dutch tradition is not acceptable either. Find another way to fight racism.. This isn’t the way, its taking things out of context and by doing that u are hurting another culture. Thats the message I wanted to bring out here today.

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