I still hear people say all the time how strong I am. But am I truely? And if so do I have much choice? Surviving comes naturally. I assume this strength is hard to measure if at all. And although its meant as compliment and looked at as a virtue that I have this so called strength, it bothers me because I shouldn’t have to.
Today I was confronted with things I thought I had forgotten about. I was able to put it aside me and look past it. That tells me my therapy and my learned skills have effect. Does that mean I don’t have to be strong anymore? No it doesn’t. I doesn’t mean I have suddenly the backup and the base I needed to not end up like this. Because although it was not something I asked for.Alot of problems I ran into that have added to my C-PTSD where part of my choices that I have made. I can not possibly blame the whole world for all my pain and sorrows.
We have responsibility our selfs as well. Just like I have now the responsibility to overcome this and see this through to a good ending. It’s not over till it’s over.
I’m posting some random pictures of me today in earlier stages of my life. Since they are not digital I have just made a picture. So this is me in my early twenties. It was on a vacation on spain the picture was made from inside our tent facing the exit of the tent. I will make an attempt to upload more aged pictures in the gallery into a folder. The folder is called Young younger youngest and you can find it in my picture gallery. It said on front 0 images because there’s folders underneath but don’t worry in those folders are pictures lol.
Dark clouds and a light thunder. A soft rain falls down. It’s not bothering me. I am inside the house. But it reminds me of my mind. It feels the same. Always a thunderstorm inside of me. Seldomly a spark of sun.
The clouds be my past and my worries. The thunder be my thoughts. The lightning be my triggers and the rain my depression.
Sometimes a fresh wind blows through and makes a hole in the thunderclouds to let some sunshine in. It never lasts long but I cherish these moment as a treasure so rich. For they are what keeps me going. They are what makes me live.
Had a very difficult therapy sessions today .. the mindfulness complete got me flooded with emotions and I don’t like but I cried. After that I couldn’t focus anymore in anything that was being said in the group and I barely participated it felt like a waste of time today. Can’t remember what the others said even.
It’s good that I feel what’s happening but I don’t have to like it. There’s little i can do to make it go away right now. It just takes time. then at home I finally sleep a few hours
When I was listening to music after I was woken up and disturbed in my sleep, suddenly I feel a great urge to write. Lyrics to a song and music and voice appeared in my head.. I wrote it down but ofcourse I can’t sing or play instruments. Someone I meet in a game I play is gonna help me work it out further and put music to it. Wow I wonder what it’s going to turn out like.
So I don’t really wanna make these lyrics public yet. And I’m wondering what’s next.. haha first time I wrote a song lol. This time it was something good that was over flooding me but usual it’s not something positive and I can’t just give my energy to that and work it out…so I keep it in and swallow and let it eats me inside out till it finally is out of power.