Today I felt proud of myself. That is a rare thing for me really. Since a year I participate at my daughters school in a crafting project. Its called Verteltassen ( That would be literally translated Tellbags. but i feel more comfortable translating it as storybags.) A Verteltas is a bag in which we put two books, fitting together into a certain theme. The books are meant for kids age 3 to 7 or so. One picture book and one informative book. As themes we use about anything u can think of, that be seasons, holidays, countries, food, farm animals, the human body, etc etc . Inside the bag we also put little games that often we create our selfs, memory games for example. There also goes a theme fitting toy in the bag and a stuffed animal or doll.
At many schools in our neighborhood they are doing this project, And today was a presentation from all 5 schools who are participating with this same project here. I felt good about myself and was proud about our small team of parents who with so few participating parents still manage to make beautiful bags. Not to put myself a feather in my butt, but yeah I am almost always there and for a few months I even went an extra morning to work on the bags just by myself. The children who the bags are for love them and enjoy the treasures that we created and put them in those bags for them to use. And that’s the most important part after all they are the ones to use it and therefore the most important critics. It was nice to hear and read the appreciating comments in the book that was made about this project for us and to promote the project. Its hard for me to feel proud about myself, but I am doing something good here and it makes me feel good as well.
We are having diner with our teenager and 4 year old daughters. A friends daughter just came by before to pick something up from my place, her name is Stephany. So Anarosa my 4 year old, was still talking about Stephany and she sais Stephany is my best friend. My teenage daughter, Merel, sais to Anarosa, You say that about everyone that they are your best friend. And then I reply that when Merel was little she was watching kids shows on tv and every show was her most favorite show. Then Anarosa told us to be quiet because she was telling a story and starts telling; When Stephany was little she was a baby and she holds the tips of her fingers against each other to show how small.And then she said, Stephany started growing and growing and growing and then Sandra ( Stephany her mom) came and they started sharing ( I assume she means that they started to belong together) So I ask if Sandra had found Stephany somewhere. YES! said my little one loud, IN THE WOODS! so we laughed a little, but she continues, Sandra found her there, so I asked how did Stephany got in the woods, I did not really get an answer to my question anymore and i suggested that maybe she came from the wood elfs. Yes said Anarosa loud again . And I reply, So all babies come out of the woods? Yes she said with the glance of wisdom written allover her face.If mommies want a baby they go into the woods with daddies searching for a baby. So I continue to question her, if you want a little brother or sister you send mommy into the woods? No she said, and from that point I kinda lost her and I guess she got a little confused too because the subject was closed I got no other replies on it anymore she keept changing subject lol. But if anyone wonders where babies come from.. According to my lil one, they come out of the woods…
Its 2015, for a while already, but I had not found enough energy to blog the things that I really wanted to share. And the times that I did had the energy I spend it on something else. One has to make choices, some are harder then others but that’s life. So let me first start with wishing my readers a very happy 2015 and hope that everyone’s choices are going to rewarded in a positive way. The winter has been showing itself on and off here, but not in a real strong way. I am still expecting some day’s of freezing and maybe even snow. We will see. December was a tough month for me. Normally I don’t like writing about this personal negative stuff online but its part of me and who I am today so I guess its just as important as anything else I share, if not maybe even more important because it is a big deal in my life.
Half a year ago I have been pre-diagnosed with cptsd. I am not going into detail now to explain how I got to receive that diagnose,I don’t think that belongs here on the web right now. I have been going through several tests at Sinai centre. They are specialised in this area, I had so far 5 appointments that included intelligence tests and psychological tests etc. Now finally after 5 months I have the results and advice in. To get to this point was traumatizing on itself all ready if you ask me. I think it took them way too long and that the results are not complete. The person who has been handling my case told me after every appointment that they she would call me to let me know what they would advise me. Instead when she called me again they wanted to do more tests. It went like that every appointment.. So I was losing faith in them very rapidly… Then she went on vacation and I had to call her a few times to get a hold of her again. She was then to bring in my case into the advisory meetings with her colleagues within two weeks. So after these two weeks had passed and I still had not heard anything I started to call them again to find out what was going on. When they called me back I was told that my case handler was on long term absence due to health reasons.. SERIOUSLY and no one could have called me to let me know that my case was NOT being handled at all and that the made agreements could not be meet because of her health problems.. I had to go after that myself to find that out… Then when I got a call back she told me it was another 2 weeks before they could handle my case.. So then I made an appointment with her and it couldn’t be any sooner then 3 weeks later. This was last Monday, the 9th of february. My new case handler I didn’t spoke to before and they had to make this advice now without my original case handler being there. She could not really answer much of my questions and the rapport she had she did not wanted to have me right now because it was not her who wrote it. So much for all my braveness to go there every time and then having to deal with this.
They advised for me the Linehan therapy. I have been diagnosed with some PTSD symptoms and some Borderline symptoms. I am sure that there is still a lot to be discovered and probably labeled within me but that will have to happen while underway I guess. The Linehan therapy has been advised because it can help me with my emotional problems so they said. It might, and I am very willing to give anything that I think might make a difference, a chance at this point because I myself can’t think of any solutions anymore. I am not suicidal, don’t get me wrong I am not someone to just give up like that. But these emotions inside me, the anxiety, the fear, the anger, the pain, the insecurity and the low selfesteem, it needs to stop because I can’t deal with it anymore. its damaging me badly. Its getting the best of my while my family, my children, my husband and myself should be getting the best of me. If I give in, my demons who or whatever they are would have won and can say see, I told you so..
So this is my battle, which I have been fighting for a long time and which I probably will be fighting for a long time from now. This is me, dealing with my past, my present and my future…
I have heard ppl telling me for so many times to be strong and hang in there, I have read it on many occasions. I am scared there is going to come a time when I am tired of being strong and giving it my best. I have yet to let go but hoping and working and fighting for the better times that may come some day is getting the best of me unfortunately and I wish to and I try to spend energy on things and people that are not out there to get me and my loved ones down. That would enlighten my life and others so much and most likely their own as well. I wish for everyone that the next year will bring them revelations that will put them on the right path. Free from the toxic thoughts they spread around free from poisoning speech that kills any chance to find joy. Here is me wishing everyone lots of love and strength to overcome all whats evil and whats damaging them.
Last year has been a difficult year for me and my family, I have not been posting as much as I would have liked because I just did not feel well. So much for that topic. Now Christmas is already near and my Christmas decorations are all up again ofcourse. We have added some decorations to it and made a few changes in the setup, I guess I have a little less decorations hanging up this year and i did not make Christmas pieces for the table myself either cus I simply did not feel like it. We are going to have our family diner on the first Christmas day, at the pancake boat. That’s like a two and a half hour lasting pancake buffet while you enjoy a tour in a boat through Amsterdam. In the belly of the boat is a childs play ground filled with balls and at the end of the buffet there will be nice deserts. Last year we did it too and Anarosa really had a blast. Merel had a good time too and so did me and Antonio. Not too fancy but different enough to make it special.
The second Christmas day we will have gourmet at home and probably watch a movie or something. Hope you all have a wonderful Christmas together with your loved ones