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My Daughters

December 26th, 2009
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Heavy Session

May 23rd, 2016

Had a very difficult  therapy sessions today .. the mindfulness complete got me flooded with emotions and I don’t like but I cried. After that I couldn’t focus anymore in anything that was being said in the group and I barely participated it felt like a waste of time today. Can’t remember what the others said even.

It’s good that I feel what’s happening but I don’t have to like it. There’s little i can do to make it go away right now. It just takes time. then at home I finally sleep a few hours

When I was listening to music after I was woken up and disturbed in my sleep, suddenly I feel a great urge to write. Lyrics to a song and music and voice appeared in my head.. I wrote it down but ofcourse I can’t sing or play instruments. Someone I meet in a game I play is gonna help me work it out further and put music to it. Wow I wonder what it’s going to turn out like.

So I don’t really wanna make these lyrics public yet. And I’m wondering what’s next.. haha first time I wrote a song lol. This time it was something good that was over flooding me but usual it’s not something positive and I can’t just give my energy to that and work it out…so I keep it in and swallow and let it eats me inside out till it finally is out of power.

Time

May 18th, 2016

My hours spend on gaming often might be thought of as a waste. For me it is a way to let go. To relax and to escape the stress my trauma’s bring me. In a way I can’t anywhere else sometimes.

People seem often to think so light about it and I can but only wonder if they have even a clue what’s going on really and what trauma means. Its not something you can put aside or leave behind, you carry it with you anywhere and anytime. The inability to controle the fears inside me and the emotional pain I have to overcome everytime. The shame and desperarion I feel after I have been triggered. I keep moving forward but my past keeps pulling me back. It’s a constant struggle. Ignoring it leads to nightmares and more anxiety attacks because it simply does not go away just like that.

Sometimes I can easily tell what triggered me but I often can’t even tell because I simply don’t know and it’s a combination of things. I have been developing anxieties due to surviving techniques I have adjusted myself to, to live with my trauma’s and past. These survival techniques I developed myself according to my abilities and the situation because it is in humans nature to survive.

Someone who can’t swim will struggle and fight to survive. These struggles triggered by panick might eventually be the reason that they won’t survive. Simple floating would be a life saving technique. But when you have never learned this then you most likely don’t know how to use this.

My self taught survivingtechniques have lead to all kind of other issues and now they are not useful anymore they harm me and even makes me disfunctional at times. Self destructive behaviour for example is something I need to be really aware of. My self esteem, many people who know me would not even understand it or believe it but it’s zero. When playing those games I can relax and relativate and evaluate. It gives me a moment to let go of stress aside of the fact that some games are just fun to play.

Time passes and is something you don’t get back once it’s passed, so we should be very careful  how our time is spend. Wasted money can be regained. Wasted time is just that, wasted. Sometimes that’s ok. The time you enjoy wasting, is not wasted. It’s time well spend. My hours spend on gaming often might be thought of as a waste. That’s ok it’s my time and not theirs. They don’t live my life and I dont live theirs. They can’t have my time and I don’t want theirs my own time and life is difficult enough as it is.

It’s also about treasuring moments you enjoy and creating time to enjoy and allowing yourself to enjoy time spend on something. It’s part of self care and allowing yourself to be who you are. Acknowledging is the beginning of change. Understanding that being ok is sometimes good enough, that failing is part of life and is alowed. I don’t have to be what other people want me to be, and that learning costs time so I need to allow myself this time. It took time to get where I am now so it will take time to come where I’m heading at as well.

What if I am right, then what?

April 12th, 2016

Many times it has occurred to me while I have therapy and just in conversations with others that when being a traumatized person, it is very easy for everyone to blame a lot on that person’s (untreated) trauma’s.

For example, people who are traumatized can develop an higher alertness that becomes naturally to them. Also they can become extremely sensitive to all kinds of things.  This means a higher allert person notices more then other people and thus responds in whatever way also more to these things.

Another thing to keep in mind here is that not everything that has been seen/noticed by this traumatized person is always how they are perceived. Though they did develop that higher alertness, their judgement can be flawed because of the trauma’s.

However that does not mean that a traumatized person per definition is wrong. This can make things very complicated, not only for the traumatized person, but also for the other people to trust this person’s judgement. Though it is too easy to say to that person that they are wrong and to blame it on the trauma’s. Being traumatized does not make someone stupid.

Once a long time ago a doctor told me a few things which I had doubts about. I am glad I trusted my own senses. When I look back now I know I was right and that doctor very wrong. I proved him wrong. The medication he gave me for my depression was making my situation worse. And instead of following his advice and taking more meds for the side effects, I cut down on the dose little by little and started feeling better every week. On top of that he had advised me not to quit smoking while I was still depressed. I quit smoking anyway back then and felt good about it. That made me prove him wrong twice. Then there was a third thing he advised me on. And again he was wrong. I am glad I did not took his advice for things could have ended a lot worse for me and possibly I would not have been able to type this now.

There are far more examples I can come up with where people don’t notice what I notice and don’t see what I see. Therefore my reactions may seem overly sensitive to the untrained eye, and I can be wrong and have been wrong while at the same time I have been right, since I did trained my senses to become more aware/allert however that often does not go noticed which is why it gets blamed on the trauma’s.

That’s why my title, what if I am right, then what? That too much is being blamed on the trauma’s is not only to cover up stuff they (the therapists) can’t fix, explain or answer, it’s also victimizing the traumatized person more, sometimes on purpose but also I believe because it’s such a grey area. However it does make it at least for me very hard to recover and gain trust in myself to begin with let alone in other people.

Just needed to get that off my heart because it bothered me a lot.

Struggles,

April 6th, 2016

A little over a year ago I wrote about pride and then especially about some pride I found in myself. Today I feel nothing like that at all. The opposite. I’m tired of these everyday struggles and problems I am facing. Although I everytime do, many times I really don’t know how and where to get the energy from to continue fighting and facing my battles but I refuse to give up.

If I give up fighting then all the energy I have put into it is lost. I haven’t lost until I give up. It’s the only thing that can get me through it so I really do not have much of a choice.

I know this will never go away, I know this is just a battle to learn to live with things better more then that it’s healing anything. I can’t get back like I could with a bad product I bought where you would get a new, better, similar product or just your money back. It does not work like that with time. Time is something irreversibly once spend. You can’t even decide not to spend it and save it for a better moment.

I am trying to be the best person I can and sadly, often that’s nothing more then sitting on the couch at home doing nothing really until it’s time to pick up my youngest daughter from school. This makes me sad because I want to and should be to be able to do so much more.

My well being is important, not just for me, but also because I am responsible for the well being of my children and partly the well being of my family.

I know this is my battle that only I can fight but if I would get the support I need, it would make it a lot easier.

Instead of pride I feel disappointed in myself. I can’t accept myself as I am now. I understand it. But I am so much more. Just no one else but me sees, feels and knows where my energy goes to and the struggles I face… If I could share that for a moment I believe it would bring a lot of understanding which on its own already would be very supportive and helpful for me.

I did not wrote this so people would feel sorry for me. I wrote this to give words to my feelings and get it off my chest. I did not wrote this for other people to read and think how weak of a person I am.  I did not wrote and posted it to get peoples sympathy and reactions if any kind. I wrote this to get it of my chest. I posted it because I have the right to be who I am. Because I don’t have to pretend I am OK. Because I am not OK and because I have the right to be not ok.

I wrote this because I want to be heard.

Another Station

April 2nd, 2016

First of all,  I know, it has been a long while since my last post. I focussed on my healing journey first and of course that took a lot of my energy especially in the first few months. Then winter came and with that my everyday became more a struggle. I usually call it my winter depression. I am more down, have even less energy and just every struggle seems bigger then before. Now the sun is starting to show itself again, my energy level goes up as wel. Which is a good thing.

Though I still wake up with panickattacks, have trouble sleeping and when I do sleep, nightmares. The rest of my issues did not disappeared either but they became more clear and visible to me. And that gives me chances to respond accordingly to it/them. That’s the result of the stabilization course I just finished. The change is not big but I do notice changes.

Now I’m arriving at the next station. Again I went through the whole procedure at sinaii center to see if Linehan/DBT is going to be a fitting therapy for me. The advisors at the Sinaii centre came again to the conclusion that I am on the right track there. Now they also opted that I possibly have ADHD. However I can’t find myself in that. I will go through a test with them just to make sure. Another discussion that needs to be made in which Linehan traject I will take. I would like to go with the full day program with therapeutic creativity class. But they advised just the half day program. We will see. I am going to have to discuss that with my personal coach from the centre. I just don’t want to be talked into something I don’t stand behind.

So far the updates about my healing journey. Hugs!

 

 

 

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