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My Daughters

December 26th, 2009
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Being right doesn’t matter, doing right does.

April 30th, 2017

Yesterday I learned once more that being right or wrong in a relationship really does not matter.  I find myself being right most of the time which is being acknowledge by the other person as well, but seldom I find that satisfying. Being right or wrong often depends on perspective and is not needed to be defined to come to an solution if both parties are working towards a solution and not working towards being right or proving the other to be wrong. Working towards the being right or proving the other to be wrong can lead to a solution but you may wonder if both parties will truly be satisfied with the outcome. Having respect for the other person and accepting the differences between each other may lead to a more satisfied solution even if it is the exact solution in both cases and the secret to that lays in the path towards the solution, simple because the outcome in both situation can be totally different and being right then may seem so insignificant.

Being right does not mean the same thing as doing the right thing. When being told I’m right  in an argument I usually mention how much I don’t like being right. It never felt satisfying and usually only showed losses and very little win of the situation. I never really could define why but more and more I learned how being right was not satisfying for me or the other person. My point of view, me as a person, my words, my thoughts, my position in the situation, they all may be right, but it is how I handle in the particular position in the situation that matters, for I still may end up being wrong when I handle wrong in my pride or arrogance by the need of being right. I’ve learned that in competitions for rightness, there is never really a winner and that being right may lead more often then not to losing that what truly mattered, happiness.

I rather receive the respect of my loved one and making them happy then hearing I am right. After long thinking and dealing with an unsatisfying outcome and negative feelings about my own position and a situation  yesterday, I grew today more in my understanding that being right does not matter and I have learned more so now why. Unfortunately this was at cost of my sweethearts happiness which made me truly sad and hurt. The full understanding of why came too late to make things truly right and now I can only ask for his forgiveness. I don’t see how I can truly rightfully make up in the future for what I caused but I can try to put this lesson in practice and hope my foolish heart will let me.

Next time I will have to ask myself what matters most, being right or being happy and its not hard to come to understand that my answer is being happy. What is a lot harder is to figure out what to do to find this “happy” because in my traumas when being triggered and in deep pain I find myself very much at loss of direction and of what makes me happy because I am being overwhelmed by a flood of emotions and its hard to dig through all those to find my way through the overlaying emotions to the actual emotion which will lead to the answer to what is this “happy”


C-PTSD And Relationships

April 14th, 2017
Complex PTSD I don’t see as an illness or even a disorder but as a natural, understandable result of repeated, prolonged trauma at the hands of trusted relations of any kind starting in early childhood. I do think healing and repair of the wounds can happen but only under certain conditions, and those conditions depend on the trauma itself. I truly hope and believe this can also include no longer reliving traumatic experiences and the ability to create and sustain healthy relationships. Healthy Relationships on its own can be a major factor in the healing process itself.
Healing from complex trauma requires connection, attachment. The skills that are missing are missing because things went terribly wrong in earlier relationships, thus a different kind of relationship is required to master them now. The neglect, abuse, betrayal and just plain ineffective environment of the earliest and continuous relationships later in early adulthood and the rest of your life have caused me to develop and sustain complex PTSD. It is in the context of a different kind of relationship that you can identify, understand and ultimately heal the impact of earlier experiences. So in this matter do I believe relationships on its own can work therapeutic, YES ABSOLUTELY! It takes time and it wont be an easy road to travel and both partners need to commit to eachother the traumatized one as well as the other need to be committed. Understanding from both parties for each others situation is requierd, that includes the understanding that you won’t be able to understand everything fully and some things you simply need to accept, no matter how hard that may seem. First things first. Safety is the first thing that’s needed to be able to start healing. A good communication is a must.  From there on trust can be build and it does take a lot of repetition falling and crawling back up again and reassuring over and over again. It does take a lot of energy from both partners, it does require to accept that you wont always be successful all the time and its also very important for both partners to understand that you can not put a time frame on it. Healing takes just the time it needs

I do know it will always be part of me and maybe for the rest of my life I do need to be reassured every so often, however as I said before I do believe that in a healthy relationship, and don’t get me wrong, healthy relationships can undergo a lot of struggles that may make it seem like an unhealthy relationship. But those battles are needed to be fought, are needed to be won and those hurdles are needed to be taken and overcome to be able to learn how to have a healthy relationship and be able to trust each other. Falling and finding out your partner does catch you is scary, because the traumatized person may still be looking for the catch behind it. Trust is something that has different levels. We trust the cashier to give us the right amount of money back after you paid for your shoppings. You trust the water company they don’t poison the water you buy. All different levels of trust and the levels of trust needed for a healthy relationship are a lot harder to gain then those with your cashier for example. I am experiencing the healing power of love in my current relationship and with that I do not only mean the love of the other person but as well as my own. I needed a lot of courage to get where I am now and aside of the healing power of my loving relationship I do have therapy.  Which gives another outlet and input for thoughts and ways to learn to deal with my traumas. Not only me needs that courage my partner who happens to have his own traumas to deal with as well  needs to be courageous.

We wont always be successful, I dare even say that especially early on many hurdles will have to be taken again and again, its like training for a championship of whatever kind. Train yourself, challenge yourself but not too much for it may discourage you and even when the goal is not met, each small victory along that path to each goal is one, each step in the right direction is one to cheer on. It takes a lot of practice to beat this invisible opponent again and again and at one point its no longer an opponent and you may truly have beaten it. So training and repeating is needed. Some of the opponents you can not beat and you simply need to learn to live with in the  best way possible. That too takes a lot of work. Gaining insight on whats going on inside me has been one of the most important things that lays at the base of my healing process. First my own understanding and perception, my research online about c-ptsd and trauma on its own and then my therapy have been great sources of information that I absorb like a sponge. My sweetheart with his voice of reason, wisdom and lets not forgets his patience with me is an enormous support. But the times my expectations don’t match the outcome still is hard to deal with.

Giving up in an early stage of such relationships may make you feel even less competent and often results in putting oneself down, less self worth etc etc. Self harm is an important factor there that may be the ongoing abuse further on that builds on the caused abuse by others in the past. Something we are doing to our self. I will write more about self harm in another article but to keep it short my self harm is mentally not physically.

My laptop crashed and I tried but I cant find the resources anymore that I used to gain the needed information to build my own article on.

To be continued

Big things are in the little things

April 9th, 2017

Often when I get upset about a small thing and I get really triggered into a lot of anxiety and being confronted with my past emotions or situations from where my traumas stem, I hate it with passion that I get upset about such a little thing that seem to be so small to most people. For no one experiences the war that goes on inside me, the pain that consumes me, the shame that overwhelms me and the sadness that keeps my tears running without a sound. I became aware how powerful those substantially little things are. Not only have I found them in my traumas but also outside of that. When I take a walk outside on a quiet Sunday and the warm sunbeams touch my skin, I’m extremely aware of the warmth it spreads on my skin, That one single bird with his high pitched sounds doesn’t go unnoticed neither its friend that in the far distance replies to its calls. A single flower that grows out of the mud or all the little flowers on the tree that makes it look like one giant cotton candy. I single them out and enjoy the beauty of these little things. Sometimes I try to capture it on my camera, these small things that touch me that makes me know who I am. That gives me strength to believe in myself and the power to keep getting up when life knocked me down.

Those tiny little things are so powerful and can change a whole day instantly from good to bad or bad to good for me at least, where big things as they seem to be so big has less impact on me. Its the individual that matters, the uniqueness, the one of a kind. The moments that will never come again.  You cant see it again ever in the same angle or hear it again exactly in the same way. That touches me and teaches me to appreciate these things. It helps me to find the healing path to loving myself. I am ever grateful for the support from my sweetheart who never fails to remind me that I am worth loving and that I AM beautiful and strong and an amazing person. Without walking next to my shoes from arrogance I am trying to learn how to accept this and see this for myself. I do sometimes and there are moments that I appreciate myself. Only when I have reached that I can come to my full potential, I am fully aware of that. Learning to accept the negative things I can not change and use that to my advantage to be be strong and stand above it. What once was a cause of my downfall will now be a cause of my power as well.

So I focus on those little things and that is why they become so grand and given so much power to lift me up. Most people will not notice the power of those things or the beauty of it sadly enough. I can’t wait to be with the one I can share all those things with that seem so small and unimportant yet all those little things together does make me, me. And he appreciates that, he knows that, he sees that, he is amazing. He is my once in a life time. Hes my Big “thing” who gives me so many small things that are huge! <3

Breast cancer/Fibroadenoma

March 31st, 2017

Breast cancer, a pretty serious topic, one that I don’t really like to discuss honestly. Every time I have read on it I was very aware of how desastrous it can be and how fast it can change the lives of a female. How much of an impact it has on a person. I always wondered when I was told or read about checking your breast and armpits for lumps, what kind of lumps I would be looking for. I worried sometimes, what if I did not recognize it as a lump? I didn’t know how a lump in my breast would feel like. Makes me wonder if that should not be described better when it’s mentioned in information materials on this subject. I can’t be the only one right?

Well for me that has changed, I do know now. What very few people know, simply because I did not wanted it to be known is that just a few days before Christmas 2016 I found a lump in my breast. What went through me is hard to describe. It was a sad Holiday season for me to begin with only having the first Christmas day my daughter’s with me. Then between Christmas and New Year’s I’d have only my youngest with me 3 days and again with New Years I was alone. My oldest would be spending the second Christmas day and the Christmas vacation plus New Years at her dads and my youngest would be spending the second Christmas day and half the Christmas vacation plus New Years at her dads. With my discovery and the loneliness the Holidays would bring me I had to fight not falling into a depression. I did not wanted to ask for anyone to have sympathy or something really either. My boyfriend was with his family spending a vacation in New York but he did spend New Years eve online with me which I really enjoyed! That really made a difference not being completely alone. Well I had Silver with me as well. I was grateful for that too.  Now back to the origin of the topic, The timing for such news is never good and having to deal with such things pretty much alone is tough. I researched the internet and learned a  thing or two about lumps found in breasts. Still without being examined by a doctor and having the lumps actually checked there was no way of knowing if these lumps where bad or not. The only thing I do know is that it didn’t belong there because it wasn’t there before. I guess that’s the best way to describe what you should look for when checking your breast for lumps and why it is important to do it once every so often.

As said  before I didn’t tell anyone at first and it wasn’t until January when I felt comfortable to make a doctors appointment. An appointment was made to make a mammogram at the hospital that very same day. The doctor agreed that it was something that did not belong there and on top of that found a second one that was a lot smaller too. My boyfriend was the first I told and my oldest daughter, I told my therapist and I brought it up in my group therapy session briefly. I told two friends and that’s it. I wasn’t seeking for attention or pity or suddenly people wanting to jump on the bandwagon and feel sorry for me just because they where nosy.  One of my friends went with me to the appointment in the hospital which I really appreciated. I was told that the lumps in my breast where Fibroadenoma, as I was explained is not a bad tumor. However they still can be bad as far as I understood after doing more research and often a needle sample is used to research it further or its being monitored by growth by patient and/or doctor, like in my case. My next checkup is this summer. I learned they can grow up till 5 cm in diameter which is pretty big considering I’m not gifted with huge breasts and even then. That’s a large thing inside you that does not belong there. I want it removed really, I am not comfortable with it. So when I am ready I will go see my doctor and discuss that. The outcome of the research might have implied all is good but if it truly was sure all was good they would not have me come back for more checks in a few months. And further research told me that it still can be bad. Quote from the wiki page about Fibroadenoma and Phyllodes tumors  “Occurrence is most common between the ages of 40 and 50, prior to menopause. This is about 15 years older than the typical age of patients with Fibroadenoma, a condition with which Phyllodes tumors may be confused” Then you may understand why I am still worried and not at ease.

I still haven’t talked about it with anyone else and I don’t really want to either. Its something really personal. So you may wonder why I write about it. Fair question. When I write on my blog it helps me often to coop with things other then just posting an personal or informative article. I always try to keep my posts in a certain manner so that they wont hurt other people or affect them in a negative way. I am on a healing journey and negativity is not helping to heal me in anyway. Now if you have read it and I have not discussed this with you personally then respect that I don’t want to discuss it with you and be grateful for what I share.

Greetings Danielle

Moving to new host and more..

March 24th, 2017

Well I have not written for a while a new post so I figured I write an update again. I am currently looking into moving to a new host for my blog because now I am divorced I simply can’t afford the webhosting service and my domain anymore as it is now unfortunately. I have found an affordable hosting service at Strato.nl. I hope their service is going to work with my blog. I have experiences with Strato in the past with other websites for a community center where I was taking care of the website among the things I did there and the service at strato has always been a pleasant one.  I am backing up my blog to make sure I won’t lose my data when my time runs out on this address and I will try to have a new site running before this one runs out so I can redirect all my old viewers to my new address.  Just so no one gets lost. There may be some changes to my blog that I want to make to my blog to make the size smaller perhaps and remove the items that I no longer wish to be part of my blog. When the time is there I will inform you all.

Next thing on my list is my divorce. I have all ready mentioned it in a post earlier that my divorce is finally final and I am no longer a prisoner to my marriage. That’s how it felt when I made the decision to part my ways from my ex. With that I can finally get my finances in order once I get my butt moving at least that is.

My package that I had send to Lane in December did finally arrived last month at Valentines day. I received the shipping costs back from the mail service due to the many problems I had run into with them and the fact that the package looked like it had been run over by a bulldozer. Now I am in the process of completing another package to send and my sweetheart has send a package to me as well. I am so exited I can hardly wait to receive it and open it :). I hope it wont be such a long wait as the package I have send his way last time. I love spoiling him with the little things I send and introducing him to  and sharing some Dutch candies and things I like and enjoy with him. All ready got him fall in love with my favorite candies too!

Ok so far this  quick update. Ill write more soon again! Hugs Danielle

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