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My Daughters

December 26th, 2009
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Lilypie Kids Birthday tickers

Healing from C-PTSD

January 6th, 2017

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Part of the healing from complex trauma requires healthy connections, healthy attachment. The skills that traumatized people are missing are missing because things went terribly wrong in early relationships. That especially includes relationships with parents, and family etc when they where very young, thus a different kind of relationship is required to master them now. The neglect, abuse, betrayal and just plain ineffective environment of your earliest relationships have caused you to develop C-PTSD although one might not be as vulnerable for it as much as the other. It is in the context of a different kind of relationship that you can identify, understand and ultimately heal the impact of your early experiences. Its all in the thought of how we are perceiving things and that simply differs from person to person.

Healing from complex trauma requires the development of skills and capacities such as affect-regulation, staying present with feelings instead of dissociating, self-soothing, and the ability to love oneself. Linehan or DBT does teaches those skills.

My view on trust

January 4th, 2017

Today I am reflecting on trust and in particular my own trust. Its something I have been working on in my healing path in the last few months. I am someone who always tries to give someone a fair chance when it comes to trust however I do that very carefully, because of the traumas from my past it takes time for me to give you that full trust if I decide to give it to you at all. My heart became pretty battered because I am very forgiving and caring for other people which leads to being lied to and being betrayed many times. I understand what makes people tell lies and that’s why I maybe give so many chances.

People fail to see how much a lie can hurt someone no matter how small or about what. The less important the reason to lie was the more it may even hurt, because who knows what else you are being lied to about? You don’t, because your  trust is broken. You can’t believe that person 100% anymore at this point, no matter how badly you want to. That trust needs to be rebuild first. And that takes time. How much time? That’s hard to say. I think the action in the given time and the actions in the past matters more then the time it actually costs. Somethings can change everything in a day, and that’s not just for lies but also for positive things.

I look at it in a way most people may not understand but when I take time to trust you, being a broken and damaged person by traumas, it should mean a lot to you. because I don’t trust people. If you break this trust I can maybe excuse u once or twice, But if the lies continue, you have not only kept the truth from me. You also took the time from me that it took me to build up trust with you and the energy I put in that. If you lie you also have taken from me and every other person after you, that I will give them the same chances I gave you. You have hurt me in ways you may never understand. And you have hurt yourself in ways you may never come to understand.

If you lie to me you don’t seem to care about me or find me worthy enough to tell the truth. This will make me feel bad about myself, as though I were not important or mattered to you.  I would feel dumb because I trusted someone who obviously thought they could get away with lies and that it was okay to lie to me. It will make me feel lonely and sad because that friend I thought I had is not a true friend who values me like I value them. Now ask yourself, is it possible to value them the same way again anymore? I truly don’t know if that actually exists, for the people who betrayed my trust in the kept breaking it, up to a point beyond repair. I have forgiven them but I wont allow myself to trust them anymore.

Afbeeldingsresultaat voor Trust

And last but not least, a long time ago I posted about lies before on my blog when it came up in a conversation. That post is located right here. And I wrote a post about truths that’s located right here.

Take care all!

Farewell 2016, Welcome 2017!

December 31st, 2016

2016 Was a year full of changes, a year of moving forward, a year of not looking back. A year of healing, a beautiful year full of personal growth. A year of goodbye old ways and welcome to new ways. A year where I learned a lot. Full of tears, out of pain but also happy tears. A year full of battles and victories. Of course my divorce but also finding my soul mate where huge things. Then my healing journey that continued after a short break in February and March and that continued again in April. The water protecting with the water ceremonies and the protests at the ING bank. A year I have been grateful for. And to end this year respectfully I have used this last day to do something that’s totally me. I have been baking and giving away the treats I made to friends but also brought a dish to the homeless. The best gift to receive is the gift of giving where you don’t receive anything but the pleasure of giving. Something I love to do.  So with melancholy but also joy I like to say farewell to 2016 and thank you for all your lessons and everything you have brought me.

Afbeeldingsresultaat voor farewell 2016


The ending of 2016 is not just an ending, its also a start of a fresh new year. So be welcome 2017. A year where I will continue my healing journey and personal growth. A year where I will leave even more of my past behind that still haunts me. A year full of new chances and possibilities where everything is possible again. A year that I look forward to but without a doubt will be another year of many battles and victories. A year I don’t fear to walk into, for my courage has grown by leaving a lot of fear behind thanks to my healing in 2016. A year that I wish to bring you all  lots of luck and good fortune, but foremost good health. Happy 2017 everyone.

Colorful New Year Pictures

Panic attacks and Anxiety attacks

December 27th, 2016
My personal findings on panic attacks that most people don’t know and that you can’t see on the outside of me most of the time but that are important to know to understand my reactions to things often. They are also just one of the many symptoms of my C-PTSD. On another note. Panic attacks and Anxiety attack are not the same. An anxiety attack often comes in reaction to a stressor. Panic attack on the other hand doesn’t come in reaction to a stressor. It’s unprovoked and unpredictable. Panic attacks often leads to an anxiety attack or me. I will come back to that at the end of my post about panic attacks. Sometimes its really hard to determine which I am dealing with.. panic or anxiety.
Panic attacks happen to me spontaneously, with no time to prepare at all. One minute I feel fine, and the next, its like I’m in a war zone and have no idea how I got there or out of there. My heart started racing, I start sweating, the room begins to spin in more extreme cases, my whole body feels weak if I feel it at all, and my breathing can get rapid and uneven but usually I’m unaware of my breathing. More often than not, an attack happens in a noisy, crowded place or during conversations, heated or not, so I will want to escape for fresh air and avoid the stressful situation. I can also react completely irrational more likely then not out of this fear that’s overwhelming. Often the way I perceive a situation can trigger this same response, and even cause a anxiety attack because of my extremely heightened levels of anxiety due to my traumas.
Panic attacks don’t always happen to me in large, bustling places, they also happen to me during sleep, while sitting at home in my room, while preparing diner, watching a movie, listening to music and does not always have a precursor. The scariest part for me as a person with panic attacks is that I can’t predict when another one will come along. This leads that I often avoid places, emotions, music, movies and situations that might trigger an attack, or certain places. More and more I can lead back my fears to the cause but that is still not the same as being able to handle the attacks or my response to it
If you haven’t ever experienced a panic attack, then it’s difficult to understand just how terrifying it really feels. People who have panic attacks have described it as feeling like a heart attack, dying, a stroke, and other serious complications. It feels like you can’t control your body, like it does whatever it wants and you just have to watch, horrified and scared for five or ten minutes until I’m able to act/react to it. Panic attacks might not be life-threatening, but they sure feel like it to me.They are simply put THAT scary.
Everyone responds differently to healing techniques, sometimes I can’t respond to any of them positively, unfortunately. Natural remedies such as meditation, essential oils, and other “alternative” medicines can do wonders, but even these remedies does not always work and they don’t cure someone of panic attacks completely. Coping techniques certainly helps me to learn how to manage my panic attacks, but that neither takes them magically away.
I can respond very irrational and and even in anger and may not always make sense to other people when I’m in the middle of an attack. Anxiety and panic attack both. All I might be focused on is to control the attack and looking for ways to distract myself to calm down
I learned that many people become drawn to substance abuse such as alcohol or drugs in order to calm their nerves. While this is understandable,in long term use it leads to addiction as the person requires more and more of the substance in order to feel calm. Also there are many more substances one can become addicted to other then the obvious ones drugs and alcohol. Think about caffeine and sugar something that most people don;’t realize can be just as addicting like in my case although I was aware of the caffeine addiction I was not know with the effects of it. My Panic attacks has also lead to avoid society often in an attempt to protect myself from getting triggered attacks.
Now onto the fact that Panic attacks and Anxiety attacks are not the same. I did use a source to get this information just to be sure I’m correct.

Panic Attack

During a panic attack, the symptoms are sudden and extremely intense. These symptoms usually occur “out of the blue,” peak within 10 minutes, and then subside. However, some attacks may last longer or may occur in succession, making it difficult to determine when one attack ends and another begins.

Following an attack, it is not unusual to feel stressed, worried, out-of-sorts, or “keyed up” the remainder of the day.

According to the DSM-5, a panic attack is characterized by four or more of the following symptoms:

  1. heart palpitations, pounding heart, or accelerated heart rate
  2. excessive sweating
  3. trembling or shaking
  4. sensations of shortness of breath, difficulty breathing, or smothering
  5. feeling of choking
  6. chest pain or discomfort
  7. nausea or abdominal distress
  8. feeling dizzy, unsteady, lightheaded, or faint
  9. feelings of unreality (derealization) or being detached from oneself (depersonalization)
  10. fear of losing control or going crazy
  11. fear of dying
  12. numbness or tingling sensations (paresthesias)
  13. chills or hot flashes


Anxiety, on the other hand, generally intensifies over a period of time and is highly correlated to excessive worry about some potential “danger.” The symptoms of anxiety are very similar to the symptoms of panic attacks and may include:

  • Muscle tension
  • Disturbed sleep
  • Difficulty concentrating
  • Fatigue
  • Restlessness
  • Irritability
  • Increased startle response
  • Increased heart rate
  • Shortness of breath
  • Dizziness

While some of these symptoms are similar to many of the symptoms associated with panic attacks, they are generally less intense. Another important distinction is that, unlike a panic attack, the symptoms of anxiety may be persistent and very long-lasting—days, weeks, or even months. (In my case they usually last a few days tops)

Therapy can help you develop ways to manage your symptoms, work through past hurts, determine your path for the future, and gain a clearer perspective that will allow for a more positive current outlook. Medications can assist you in reducing the severe symptoms, while self-help techniques can be beneficial in allowing you to work through symptom management at your own pace.

Happy Holidays

December 25th, 2016

While I was celebrating my xmas morning with the kids I felt grateful for all that I have, my roof over my head, food, warmth, water, my children, my health and my friends and family and I couldn’t help but also think about all those people still in war zones like Syria. I couldn’t help but think about all the refugees who fled their country and are living in refugees camps with their lives or whats left of it on hold for uncertain amounts of time. But also closer to home, my thoughts go out to those who suffer daily from traumas and invisible pains. I couldn’t help but think about all those who live in hunger and fear. My thoughts go out to those suppressed, discriminated and mistreated. And last but not least my thoughts go out to those who cause and have caused all thee pains to other people for they need love just as much if not even more. My Christmas wish this year goes out to them and their families. <3

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