What climb? My climb to a new future is going to be a struggle, I knew it was going to be but I’m not scared. Yes I worry, I would be stupid not to worry. I have to stay on my toes for this one. My requested social care income has been denied.. with little money standing in my name I have no idea where they get the idea that my current bank saldo is too high.. I have 2000 euros in my name and when the bills come in I have nothing. Are they seriously going to wait for that? because the social care income request can take up to 8 weeks. So by the time I get money I be 2 months behind on my rent and the other bills and me and my kids probably are starving by then because we have no money for food. One way to make people end up in debts. Further more I can’t request my taxes refunds because my divorce has not been requested at the court yet. That’s number two. Number three, its going to be a issue to get a parenting plan with my ex but finally I have the requested instances participating and helping on this. Which was a struggle on it self also.
And that’s whats most important, that my children are not gonna end up on the bad end of this. My Daughter has 2 parents a father and a mother and she has the right to love both of them and has the right to have both of them in her life. What I think of my ex does not matter when it comes to that love. As long as her safety is not in danger. And that’s whats the most important thing. I have a lot of worries here, Probably because of the struggles I have had with my other child’s dad long ago but there are other reasons too which I prefer keeping to myself at this point. There’s no good reason to throw with mud on this medium aside of that, I’m better then that.
update 21 february 2017:
After a lot of issues getting everything taken care of, without the help from the instances that I requested help from and with some issues with my attorney who I had to explain and mail the parenting plan three times to, my divorce was finally send to court and this month on february 13th I received an email from my attorney that the divorce has been spoken out by court. To make it final my divorce has to be de-registered at the cityhall and then its all done and can I finally move on with my life. My finances are stabilized but in poor shape with lots of end of month left at the end of my money now. With my divorce done I can finally request the support from taxes with my bills that I desperately need. But I am happier then during my marriage.
The day before I met you was just another day like every other. I couldn’t have known you’d change my world so much like you have. And everyday since that day you still give me butterflies. I never knew love like this before. I love you baby, so very much! If you only knew how much I love you, but I Can’t find the words to tell you what I feel for you. I promise you someday I’ll find a way, or I’ll die trying.
I miss you and I wish you where not so far away. I would plan cute dates sometimes. Bake cake ( sorry I had to) and cookies for you. If you where here with me, we could go places and we could take a walk on the beach. It doesn’t really matter, everything I’d do with you would be fun.
I love it when you smile, your smile is the most beautiful I have ever seen. And damn your eyes I am drowning in your eyes every time I look into them. At night I am dreaming of you. I love everything about you Lane. I love you always and forever, just the way you are. You are my soulmate. You are my once in a life time.
A few days at my daughters school we had a meeting where we addressed to possibilities of serving breakfast for kids at school and school lunches. I’m don’t like my kid to have breakfast at school all the time, maybe occasional to give her the experience but I would like her to learn to be responcible of feeding your children at home and taking care of yourself. Its also a moment of our family where we spend a little time together before they go out the door to school. a moment to bring out the message that they are loved and cared for. I do understand however that not everyone has the same values as me and that not everyone has the resources to provide there children the same. Sometimes you end up in a situation where you really need this kind of help for yourself and your children due to personal circumstances. I wont judge that easily but I do say that this breakfast serving I would like to be an option and be able to opt out if you don’t want it.
Now another point brought up was school lunches not only to feed the children but also make them aware of the importance of healthy food. The lunches they think of are to be warm lunches, I am all in for that even if its not warm lunches but sandwiches like we in the Netherlands are used to eat at lunch. I am for that. And even more I also want to volunteer to prepare those lunches with other parents. For more as one reason. My children are MY responcibility and I take that very seriously. I want to be part of the decisions what they get to eat and are being taught. I do have the time and am able to participate so I will. That does not mean that I judge the parents that are not able to participate as volunteer. Anyway the plan is to have a tryout lunch at school in a couple of weeks and the idea was to serve a few soups with bread. Another part of this lunch at school as I mentioned before is the healthy way of eating we want to teach our children because also in the Netherlands we see a lot of children become overweight. Teaching them the right values of healthy food is not only important for them but also teaches them about the environment and that food does make a difference when you know what to eat.
I brought up a few important things in my opinion that need to be addressed if we, the school will adopt this and put it in practice. I would like to be able to follow some courses about how to deal with difficult children and also how to be able to teach them these things in a way that they pick up on it the best. Another important matter is food allergies and that we take notice that not all religions eat the same foods. This also requires a knowledge we not all have. And last but not least we do also need to learn how to respond in a case of emergency. as a parent we all know how to respond when it comes to our own children but having the responcibility over a larger group of children comes with different set of problems and may require different set of abilities that you can put in to work to make things keep going smoothly. My children don’t have a nut allergy for example and if one of the kids I’m watching has an allergic reaction I do like to know what I can do and have to do to keep him safe and control the situation. Not only does that kid needs care but the other kids around also need care, I can imagine it can be pretty scary to see another child chocking and thus these children need to be taken care of too even when it does not directly concern them. So first aid medical knowledge is required to be at hand too for all the volunteer parents that are possible the first I place to notice the medical issue and can save this child. Sometimes a minute means a life.
One of the other issues that came up was where are they going to eat. Some mentioned it would be nice if they can all eat together. I don’t think is a good idea for practical reasons alone. Moving all the tables into one large space costs extra time when they are all ready together in each class room. Also the parents of each class often do know a little bit about the other kids in their children’s class and it gives them the opportunity if they volunteer to meet other class parents. Further more in a smaller group its easier to create a more cosy and family like situation where children can sit in small groups at a set of tables with one of the volunteer parents. And lastly a lot of children eating in one space can be very loud and distracting especially for the more problematic eaters this can be a real problem. And its very simple, of one kid starts saying they don’t like a certain type of food, I bet you that soon other kids will follow that example and refuse to eat it too. All these things can be solved and won’t mean that lunches at school can’t be served. It just needs to be taken care of.
No please keep in mind that although school lunches are common in some countries, in The Netherlands they are not and to introduce such a thing takes a little time to get it working and the children and parents used to.
Ill write again when there’s more info on this project. Thnx for reading
“First, the good news about C-PTSD: It is a learned set of responses, and a failure to complete numerous important developmental tasks. This means that it is environmentally, not genetically, caused. In other words, unlike most of the diagnoses it is confused with, it is neither inborn nor characterlogical. As such, it is learned. It is not inscribed in your DNA. It is a disorder caused by nurture (or rather the lack of it), not nature.” By Pete Walker
One of the symptoms of C-PTSD (Complex post traumatic stress disorder) that have a huge impact on me are the emotional flashbacks. Old feelings come to me in the moment when something triggers my emotions. Not always but most times when they are negative. Most times I don’t know the exact origin of these emotions most times and I don’t always know my emotions are boosted by my emotional flashbacks. That makes things complicated and my reaction often not in comparison to the actual situation. They are tricky to identify, because unlike a specific flashback with specific images, you experience very strong feelings of self-hatred, shame, abandonment, invisibility, or rage. And they’re not linked to any one specific memory, since the emotional flashbacks appears in the moment you link them to the current moment first. Identifying the intensity of your feelings as an emotional flashback is an important piece to healing and of course of dealing with the moment.
I have experienced that relationship with someone who has compassion and insight helps a lot, especially if the inner critic or feelings of shame keep taking over your thoughts and feelings, despite your best efforts.
I find it difficult to explain so I have googled a few articles that word it as how I experience it.
“In an explicit flashback. the person is involuntarily transported back in time. To the person, it does not seem so. What they experience is being experienced as if it were happening in the present. An explicit flashback involves feelings and facts.
Flashbacks from early childhood are different. They do not include factual information. Until about five years of age, factual – or explicit – memory is immature. But implicit memory, the memory of an emotional state, may go back to birth. When the memory of a strong emotional state is activated, the person is exposed to an involuntarily replay of what was felt at perhaps age one or two. Since facts are not replayed, the emotions seem to belong to what is going on in the present.
Implicit flashbacks from early childhood can be powerful. They can overtake a person, and dominate his or her emotional state. Even so, the person may have no idea that what they are feeling is memory. How could they? If they cannot remember a past event that caused these feelings, the feelings naturally seem to belong to the present.”
Tom Bunn L.C.S.W. Link to article
“Emotional flashbacks strand clients in the cognitions and feelings of danger, helplessness and hopelessness that characterized their original abandonment, when there was no safe parental figure to go to for comfort and support. Hence, Complex PTSD is now accurately being identified by some traumatologists as an attachment disorder. Emotional flashback management, therefore, needs to be taught in the context of a safe relationship. Clients need to feel safe enough with the therapist to describe their humiliation and overwhelm, and the therapist needs to feel comfortable enough to provide the empathy and calm support that was missing in the client’s early experience.”
by Pete Walker
Pete Walker provides a convincing argument for the recognition and proper treatment of emotional flashbacks and complex PTSD, which result from childhood neglect and emotional abuse. Link to article.
I believe this will provide you with lot of information that explains it. Now a little more about myself. I am able more and more to recognize the emotions that don’t belong in the moment. But its almost impossible yet at this point for me to recognize how much of that emotion belongs in the past and what part of the emotion is accurate to the current moment. This makes arguments where emotions get fired up and confrontations extremely difficult and intense for me. I like to avoid them for the simple reason that handling my emotions is complex. Dealing however with these things I can not completely avoid and that would not be healthy either conflicts take a lot of time for me to solve when they triggered emotional flashbacks. Rationally I can tell sometimes immediately that my emotional reaction is too strong for the situation, often it takes longer, which makes conflicts very draining and emotional for me. That also leads me to the fact that I am unsure of what strength is healthy for the situation I am then dealing with at that moment. I try to find where my emotions origin from and I try then rationally to define how “bad” the current situation really is. Next I try to find rationally, the correct amount of emotional response to the situation. There is a lot more I can say about this but it is simply put very complex and not just for you. Most happens under the surface and stays invisible for most. Even the people closest to us.
Thank you for reading yet another article on my blog.
Part of the healing from complex trauma requires healthy connections, healthy attachment. The skills that traumatized people are missing are missing because things went terribly wrong in early relationships. That especially includes relationships with parents, and family etc when they where very young, thus a different kind of relationship is required to master them now. The neglect, abuse, betrayal and just plain ineffective environment of your earliest relationships have caused you to develop C-PTSD although one might not be as vulnerable for it as much as the other. It is in the context of a different kind of relationship that you can identify, understand and ultimately heal the impact of your early experiences. Its all in the thought of how we are perceiving things and that simply differs from person to person.
Healing from complex trauma requires the development of skills and capacities such as affect-regulation, staying present with feelings instead of dissociating, self-soothing, and the ability to love oneself. Linehan or DBT does teaches those skills.