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My Daughters

December 26th, 2009

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Dealing with the past, present and the future.. Part 2

July 8th, 2015

A few months ago I wrote about the issues I am dealing with,  My experiences with the Sinai Center and diagnose and advice for the therapy they suggesting to me.

I am not there yet. But I have finally read my diagnose on paper. I have been at the Sinai Center for my two trial days to see if the Therapy (Linehan) is what I need right now.  Getting the results of  their research on paper has been quite a hassle and I am far from satisfied with how things went at Sinai Center. However after those two tryout days again I had another  meeting to discuss the outcome. All (therapist and myself) had come to the conclusion that Linehan might be a little to tough for me at this point. So they came with something else. Its more a course where I learn to establish my emotions and is called  Vroeger en verder, I don’t know if there’s an English name for this course but translated it would be;  earlier and more.

I was promised to hear soon when I could enroll into this course and get  started to work with/on myself. Within 2 weeks after that meeting I got that phone call and I was told the course would start in September.. I was shocked. It was may at that time and having to wait another half year was just ridiculous. In September I will be a year a client at Sinai center and NOTHING really has been done with me yet other then getting a diagnose and pointing out what direction my therapy goes. The family therapists was able to speed things up a little.  I was really glad for that.

Finally end of June I got a phone call that I could come in for the take in meeting for the course where they would get to know more about me (say what??? What have I been doing there all these  meetings what lead to this diagnose I got? Or actually I wonder what THEY have been doing). I thought I had all really been forwarded to them and all that was needed was a short meeting/introduction and things could go. But there was more. during that meeting they also would conclude if I would be accepted  by them for that course….  And another thing that got me off guard, I thought I was all ready accepted and in and signed up for it. Well this meant, I wasn’t. There was only 1 day  that both of us where available for a meeting and 2 times.  I had to miss the yearly school party of my daughter for it so I heard not even a  week before the event. I had to let things sink in, arrange someone to be with my daughter to take my place or at least pick her up after school because I was not sure if I would be back in time for that. I promised them to call back the next day to set the time and date.

The very next day I had taken care of things and called them back only to find out I could not reach them because this person was sick. I should try it 3 days later then she expected to be back at work. So I called back that Friday ( that was three days later) the person who normally answered the phone was sick and I talked with someone who did not even know that the person she had been trying to forward phone calls to was most likely still sick because she did not answered any calls the whole day all ready neither had she answered any mails. Not her fault cause she had not been informed properly I guess. Anyhow no appointment still. and that was on Friday.  My appointment, or at least the one I had been trying to make was supposed to be on Monday. I had no choice then to call back on Monday morning so I wouldn’t go there for nothing. Again the person I needed to speak with did not answered her phone but the receptionist checked the agenda and thank goodness my appointment was finally written down. ( I had left two messages to let  them know that the day and time was good for me and that I would come.) That is all with all a whole lot of extra stress that I have to deal with again that should not have been. I promised myself that if they decided to not let me go to this course that I would be done with Sinai. Almost one year would have been wasted with them in that case and that would be more then I wanted.

The meeting that afternoon went smooth. I was a nervous wreck but oh well. They promised me to call me back before the end of the week (  I would go on vacation Friday evening), and let me know if I was accepted in. Thankfully they called me back that very same late afternoon that I was accepted in and would start August 27 or 28 (don’t mind me, I got to check to make sure because my memory sucks.) That’s all for this episode of my personal drama to keep it as neutral as possible. Enjoy the Summer!!! I know I will try to!


To basket or not to basket….

April 21st, 2015

This title might make no sense to any of you, but I had to add a title so deal with it, or don’t. This post is not about the title but about a basket or to be more precise a missing laundry basket.

Last friday when I was browsing an online folder of a household store  I found a nice deal on two things that I did not wanted to miss out on. A nice laundry basket to put your dirty laundry in and with it you would get a free hip basket where you could carry the clean laundry in to hang it or the folded laundry in to put away in the closets. I had been wanting to buy an extra dirty laundry basket for a while for in my bedroom and the extra basket was just well, a good deal.  It was priced down from 19,99 to  14,99 + the free basket which was originally 9,99, so I saved myself about 15,- with that order. Along with that I bought a few other small things just because.. well you know how it goes.. you go shopping and you come home with a lot more then planned.. happens to me all the time XD.

Anyhow I had tried to call them because I wasn’t sure how to make this order with the free basket. It was just before closing time but I had been waiting on the phone for  about 10 minutes when I suddenly got disconnected. When I tried calling back, they where closed….  Sight.. just my luck..  I ordered anyway despite my   worries and the failed call to the customer service.

The very next morning my laundry basket arrived, together with the other products I ordered. Except the free basket. I waited out the weekend,wrote a complaint on their facebook page,  put the laundry basket i got to use already and decided to call them first thing monday morning. And so I did, but I kept getting the busy tone for 2 hours long. When I finally got through I was on the waiting line for about 30 minutes or so. When it was my turn, Jordy from customer service helped me. He was very friendly but told me they where sold out yet he said he would try to get hold of one more  basket they might have there at the department. He had to call me back on that because the personal of hat department was not there at the time. I honestly have to say that I thought this guy was not wanting to disappoint me but couldn’t tell me he had them and tried to let me believe he would do what he could.. After that he solved another small problem and we hung up after the promise he would call me back when he knew more on the basket.

One day later, this very morning (tuesday) I got a call from Jordy, he had a basket for me, the one that I had wanted and even better he would bring it by this very late afternoon. I was amazed and wished I had been more positive about the outcome, However I was not and  I said thanks to Jordy  and made sure I was home. At the promised time my doorbell rang and there was Jordy with my basket. I was amazed when he handed it to me. He did not only brought my personally the basket he also filled it with extra products that he found as well and added a card with a friendly greeting. It almost felt like it was my birthday and wanted to hug him for the kindness and the great service but that would have been inappropriate so I didn’t and just thanked him from the bottom of my heart. Back upstairs I immediately posted on the facebook page of that company how well the customer service fixed my problem and gave my special compliments to the customer service person who helped me so wonderfully. After all When things are wrong I wont hesitate to say so.. but when things are extraordinary I will spread it around to.




March 5th, 2015

Today I felt proud of myself. That is a rare thing for me really. Since a year I participate at my daughters school in a crafting project. Its called Verteltassen ( That would be literally translated Tellbags. but i feel more comfortable translating it as storybags.) A Verteltas is a bag in which we put two books, fitting together into a certain theme. The books are meant for kids age 3 to 7 or so. One picture book and one informative book. As themes   we use about anything u can think of, that be seasons, holidays, countries, food, farm animals, the human body, etc etc . Inside the bag we also put little games that often we create our selfs, memory games for example. There also goes a theme fitting toy in the bag and a stuffed animal or doll.

At many schools in our neighborhood they are doing this project, And today was a presentation from all 5 schools who are participating with this same project here. I felt good about myself and was proud about our small team of parents who with so few participating parents still manage to make beautiful bags. Not to put myself a feather in my butt, but yeah I am almost always there and for a few months I even went an extra morning to work on the bags just by myself. The children who the bags are for love them and enjoy the treasures that we created and put them in those bags for them to use. And that’s the most important  part after all they are the ones to use it and therefore the most important critics. It was nice to hear and read the appreciating comments in the book that was made about this project for us and to promote the project. Its hard for me to feel proud about myself, but I am doing something good here and it makes me feel good as well.


Where babies come from..

February 14th, 2015

We are having diner with our teenager and 4 year old daughters.  A friends daughter just came by before to pick something up  from my place, her name is Stephany. So Anarosa my 4 year old, was still talking about Stephany and she sais Stephany is my best friend. My teenage daughter, Merel, sais to Anarosa, You say that about everyone that they are your best friend. And then I reply that when Merel was little she was watching kids shows on tv and every show  was her most favorite show. Then Anarosa told us to be quiet because she was telling a story  and starts telling; When Stephany was little she was a baby and she  holds the tips of her fingers against each other to show how small.And then she said, Stephany started growing and growing and growing and then Sandra ( Stephany her mom) came and they started sharing ( I assume she means that they  started to belong together) So I ask if Sandra had found Stephany somewhere. YES! said my little one loud, IN THE WOODS! so we laughed a little, but she continues, Sandra found her there, so I asked how did Stephany got in the woods, I did not really get an answer to my question anymore and i suggested that maybe she came from the wood elfs. Yes said Anarosa loud again . And I reply, So all babies come out of the woods? Yes she said with the glance of wisdom written allover her face.If mommies want a baby they go into the woods with daddies searching for a baby. So I continue to question her, if  you want a little brother or sister you send mommy into the woods? No she said, and from that point  I kinda lost her and I guess she got a little confused too because the subject was closed I got no other replies on it anymore she keept changing subject lol. But if anyone wonders where babies come from.. According to my lil one, they come out of the woods…



Dealing with the past, present and the future…

February 11th, 2015

Its 2015, for a while already, but I had not found enough energy to blog the things that I really wanted to share. And the times that I did had the energy I spend it on something else. One has to make choices, some are harder then others but that’s life. So let me first start with wishing my readers a very happy 2015 and hope that everyone’s choices are going to rewarded in a positive way. The winter  has been showing itself on and off here, but not in a real strong way. I am still expecting some day’s of freezing and maybe even snow. We will see. December  was a tough month for me. Normally I don’t like writing about this personal negative stuff online but its part of me and who I am today so I guess its just as important as anything else I share, if not maybe even more important because it is a big deal in my life.


Half a year ago I have been pre-diagnosed with cptsd. I am not going into detail now to explain how I got to receive that diagnose,I don’t think that belongs here on the web right now.  I have been going through several tests at Sinai centre. They are specialised in this area, I had so far  5 appointments that included intelligence tests and psychological tests etc. Now finally after 5 months I have the results and advice in. To get to this point was traumatizing on itself all ready if you ask me. I think it took them way too long and that the results are not complete. The person who has been handling my case told me after every appointment that they she would call me  to let me know what they would advise me. Instead  when she called me again they wanted to do more tests. It went like that every appointment.. So I was losing faith in them very rapidly…  Then she went on vacation and  I had to call her a few times to get a hold of her again. She was then to bring in my case into the advisory meetings with her colleagues within two weeks. So after these two weeks had passed and  I still had not heard anything I started to call them again to find out what was going on. When they called me back I was told that my case handler was on long term absence due to health reasons..  SERIOUSLY and no one could have  called me to let me know that my case was NOT being handled at all and that the made agreements could not be meet because of  her health problems.. I had to go after that myself to find that out… Then when I got a call back she told me it was another 2 weeks before they could handle my case.. So then I made an appointment with her and it couldn’t be any sooner then 3 weeks later. This was last Monday, the 9th of  february. My new case handler I didn’t spoke to before and they had to make this advice now without my original case handler being there. She could not really answer much of my questions and the rapport she had she did not wanted to  have me right now because it was not her who wrote it. So much for  all my braveness to go there every time and then  having to deal with this.

They advised for me the Linehan therapy.  I have been diagnosed with some PTSD symptoms and some Borderline symptoms. I am sure that there is still a lot to be discovered and probably labeled within me but  that will have to happen while underway I guess. The Linehan therapy   has been advised because it can help me  with my emotional problems so they said.  It might, and I am  very willing to give anything that I think might make a difference,  a chance at this point because I myself can’t think of any solutions anymore. I am not suicidal, don’t get me wrong I am not someone to just give up like that. But these emotions inside me, the anxiety, the fear, the anger, the pain, the insecurity and the low selfesteem, it needs to stop because I can’t deal with it anymore. its damaging me badly. Its getting the best of my while my family, my children, my husband and myself should be getting the best of me. If I give in, my demons who or whatever they are would have won and can say  see,  I told you so..

So this is my battle, which I have been fighting for  a long time and which I probably will be fighting for a long time from now. This is me, dealing with my past, my present and my future…

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