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My Daughters

December 26th, 2009
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What if I am right, then what?

April 12th, 2016

Many times it has occurred to me while I have therapy and just in conversations with others that when being a traumatized person, it is very easy for everyone to blame a lot on that person’s (untreated) trauma’s.

For example, people who are traumatized can develop an higher alertness that becomes naturally to them. Also they can become extremely sensitive to all kinds of things.  This means a higher allert person notices more then other people and thus responds in whatever way also more to these things.

Another thing to keep in mind here is that not everything that has been seen/noticed by this traumatized person is always how they are perceived. Though they did develop that higher alertness, their judgement can be flawed because of the trauma’s.

However that does not mean that a traumatized person per definition is wrong. This can make things very complicated, not only for the traumatized person, but also for the other people to trust this person’s judgement. Though it is too easy to say to that person that they are wrong and to blame it on the trauma’s. Being traumatized does not make someone stupid.

Once a long time ago a doctor told me a few things which I had doubts about. I am glad I trusted my own senses. When I look back now I know I was right and that doctor very wrong. I proved him wrong. The medication he gave me for my depression was making my situation worse. And instead of following his advice and taking more meds for the side effects, I cut down on the dose little by little and started feeling better every week. On top of that he had advised me not to quit smoking while I was still depressed. I quit smoking anyway back then and felt good about it. That made me prove him wrong twice. Then there was a third thing he advised me on. And again he was wrong. I am glad I did not took his advice for things could have ended a lot worse for me and possibly I would not have been able to type this now.

There are far more examples I can come up with where people don’t notice what I notice and don’t see what I see. Therefore my reactions may seem overly sensitive to the untrained eye, and I can be wrong and have been wrong while at the same time I have been right, since I did trained my senses to become more aware/allert however that often does not go noticed which is why it gets blamed on the trauma’s.

That’s why my title, what if I am right, then what? That too much is being blamed on the trauma’s is not only to cover up stuff they (the therapists) can’t fix, explain or answer, it’s also victimizing the traumatized person more, sometimes on purpose but also I believe because it’s such a grey area. However it does make it at least for me very hard to recover and gain trust in myself to begin with let alone in other people.

Just needed to get that off my heart because it bothered me a lot.


April 6th, 2016

A little over a year ago I wrote about pride and then especially about some pride I found in myself. Today I feel nothing like that at all. The opposite. I’m tired of these everyday struggles and problems I am facing. Although I everytime do, many times I really don’t know how and where to get the energy from to continue fighting and facing my battles but I refuse to give up.

If I give up fighting then all the energy I have put into it is lost. I haven’t lost until I give up. It’s the only thing that can get me through it so I really do not have much of a choice.

I know this will never go away, I know this is just a battle to learn to live with things better more then that it’s healing anything. I can’t get back like I could with a bad product I bought where you would get a new, better, similar product or just your money back. It does not work like that with time. Time is something irreversibly once spend. You can’t even decide not to spend it and save it for a better moment.

I am trying to be the best person I can and sadly, often that’s nothing more then sitting on the couch at home doing nothing really until it’s time to pick up my youngest daughter from school. This makes me sad because I want to and should be to be able to do so much more.

My well being is important, not just for me, but also because I am responsible for the well being of my children and partly the well being of my family.

I know this is my battle that only I can fight but if I would get the support I need, it would make it a lot easier.

Instead of pride I feel disappointed in myself. I can’t accept myself as I am now. I understand it. But I am so much more. Just no one else but me sees, feels and knows where my energy goes to and the struggles I face… If I could share that for a moment I believe it would bring a lot of understanding which on its own already would be very supportive and helpful for me.

I did not wrote this so people would feel sorry for me. I wrote this to give words to my feelings and get it off my chest. I did not wrote this for other people to read and think how weak of a person I am.  I did not wrote and posted it to get peoples sympathy and reactions if any kind. I wrote this to get it of my chest. I posted it because I have the right to be who I am. Because I don’t have to pretend I am OK. Because I am not OK and because I have the right to be not ok.

I wrote this because I want to be heard.

Another Station

April 2nd, 2016

First of all,  I know, it has been a long while since my last post. I focussed on my healing journey first and of course that took a lot of my energy especially in the first few months. Then winter came and with that my everyday became more a struggle. I usually call it my winter depression. I am more down, have even less energy and just every struggle seems bigger then before. Now the sun is starting to show itself again, my energy level goes up as wel. Which is a good thing.

Though I still wake up with panickattacks, have trouble sleeping and when I do sleep, nightmares. The rest of my issues did not disappeared either but they became more clear and visible to me. And that gives me chances to respond accordingly to it/them. That’s the result of the stabilization course I just finished. The change is not big but I do notice changes.

Now I’m arriving at the next station. Again I went through the whole procedure at sinaii center to see if Linehan/DBT is going to be a fitting therapy for me. The advisors at the Sinaii centre came again to the conclusion that I am on the right track there. Now they also opted that I possibly have ADHD. However I can’t find myself in that. I will go through a test with them just to make sure. Another discussion that needs to be made in which Linehan traject I will take. I would like to go with the full day program with therapeutic creativity class. But they advised just the half day program. We will see. I am going to have to discuss that with my personal coach from the centre. I just don’t want to be talked into something I don’t stand behind.

So far the updates about my healing journey. Hugs!




The next step

August 31st, 2015

Summer vacation is over. WE had and still have great weather but everything comes to an end. Kids are back in school. The youngest one her schedule has changed a lot.  Last year she went to school at 8:30 and I picked her up for lunch at 12:00 to return her back into school at 13:00. Then at 15:30 I would get her home again. On wednesday  school was till 12:30 and they had the afternoon free. Basically it was a lot of running back and forth which caused a lot of stress. I had to rush her all the time back and forth to school. I had to rush her to eat her lunch and if the weather was bad she had to go through the bad weather  every time.  When she came home at the end of the day she was tired and often moody. There was not much time or energy left to do something fun together.

With the new schedule I take her into school at 8:15 monday through friday and I pick her up at 14:00. They stay at school during lunch and  when she’s home there is plenty of time to do something together. She still has energy and is less stressed from all the rushing and going back and forth. They eat lunch with the teacher and if the weather allows it they also play outside at lunchtime.

My oldest her schedule is finally taken care of too after some startup troubles because the schools administration forgot to change her learning profile after her choices.

And for me, well the title said it, My next step came along as well.  Every friday morning I have class  at the Sinai centre. My course for C-ptsd stabilization is just the beginning of a long road of healing.

Dealing with the past, present and the future.. Part 2

July 8th, 2015

A few months ago I wrote about the issues I am dealing with,  My experiences with the Sinai Center and diagnose and advice for the therapy they suggesting to me.

I am not there yet. But I have finally read my diagnose on paper. I have been at the Sinai Center for my two trial days to see if the Therapy (Linehan) is what I need right now.  Getting the results of  their research on paper has been quite a hassle and I am far from satisfied with how things went at Sinai Center. However after those two tryout days again I had another  meeting to discuss the outcome. All (therapist and myself) had come to the conclusion that Linehan might be a little to tough for me at this point. So they came with something else. Its more a course where I learn to establish my emotions and is called  Vroeger en verder, I don’t know if there’s an English name for this course but translated it would be;  earlier and more.

I was promised to hear soon when I could enroll into this course and get  started to work with/on myself. Within 2 weeks after that meeting I got that phone call and I was told the course would start in September.. I was shocked. It was may at that time and having to wait another half year was just ridiculous. In September I will be a year a client at Sinai center and NOTHING really has been done with me yet other then getting a diagnose and pointing out what direction my therapy goes. The family therapists was able to speed things up a little.  I was really glad for that.

Finally end of June I got a phone call that I could come in for the take in meeting for the course where they would get to know more about me (say what??? What have I been doing there all these  meetings what lead to this diagnose I got? Or actually I wonder what THEY have been doing). I thought I had all really been forwarded to them and all that was needed was a short meeting/introduction and things could go. But there was more. during that meeting they also would conclude if I would be accepted  by them for that course….  And another thing that got me off guard, I thought I was all ready accepted and in and signed up for it. Well this meant, I wasn’t. There was only 1 day  that both of us where available for a meeting and 2 times.  I had to miss the yearly school party of my daughter for it so I heard not even a  week before the event. I had to let things sink in, arrange someone to be with my daughter to take my place or at least pick her up after school because I was not sure if I would be back in time for that. I promised them to call back the next day to set the time and date.

The very next day I had taken care of things and called them back only to find out I could not reach them because this person was sick. I should try it 3 days later then she expected to be back at work. So I called back that Friday ( that was three days later) the person who normally answered the phone was sick and I talked with someone who did not even know that the person she had been trying to forward phone calls to was most likely still sick because she did not answered any calls the whole day all ready neither had she answered any mails. Not her fault cause she had not been informed properly I guess. Anyhow no appointment still. and that was on Friday.  My appointment, or at least the one I had been trying to make was supposed to be on Monday. I had no choice then to call back on Monday morning so I wouldn’t go there for nothing. Again the person I needed to speak with did not answered her phone but the receptionist checked the agenda and thank goodness my appointment was finally written down. ( I had left two messages to let  them know that the day and time was good for me and that I would come.) That is all with all a whole lot of extra stress that I have to deal with again that should not have been. I promised myself that if they decided to not let me go to this course that I would be done with Sinai. Almost one year would have been wasted with them in that case and that would be more then I wanted.

The meeting that afternoon went smooth. I was a nervous wreck but oh well. They promised me to call me back before the end of the week (  I would go on vacation Friday evening), and let me know if I was accepted in. Thankfully they called me back that very same late afternoon that I was accepted in and would start August 27 or 28 (don’t mind me, I got to check to make sure because my memory sucks.) That’s all for this episode of my personal drama to keep it as neutral as possible. Enjoy the Summer!!! I know I will try to!

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